Bake Farts

I baked these really awesome apple cookies, nine of them. So the trio of trios took more cooking time because my directions strictly required twelve smaller balls. Well geez, sorry to fall short and wide.

Another fart I make when I try my hand at baking is I read “baking paper” as “baking powder” so there is always wasted baking powder over the baking sheet out of crazed habitual failure chains of steel.

My brother made his own unfinished cookie batch even though I heated the lower oven a whole fifteen minutes before him. What did I do with the time I had while nine balls of red delicious baked at 325 ℉ for longer than the estimated thirteen minutes? I made burnt Turkey bacon that smoked the kitchen almost causing as much gas as the flower department of grocery stores like Macy’s perfume and beauty.

How much bacon can a girl jerky? I can jerky down three kinds of bacon as long as I have enough butter to ensure it is not an entirety of crispy turkey. Butter is more crisp than undercooked.

I said the words: “Wow these cookies I found on my weight-watching app [(not Weight Watchers which I tried and LOVED) (Chris Hemsworth made this one] are like something that would be packed in a kiddo’s lunchbox with some kind of note saying: “I made your favorite because you’ll need a little smart apple to ace that upcoming spelling Bee remembers a-p-p-l-e! 🙂 .” Of all things the kid would come home like,”: I cannot read cursive but thanks for the grub!” Then I would reply…

“Sweety that’s print.”

How has your Covid baking been going? I wish I had cherries leftover in the freezer compartment from Summertime because if I did I could have made a hardier chocolate black bean cookie that sounded like camp: “Can I have seconds?”

Why does a cookie made out of beans sound like camp? Well, if you know hiking, you will have felt the gas, not unlike the gas of a stove or the gas of a floral department in Macy’s… FLATULENCE! Ever had trail tacos? YES! All you want to do is dig a hole and deliver the best meal of your life back to nature!

But what about that curtsy? I am a woman I never fart!

Obviously, this rumor is an oblivion of lies and a cove of truth! Oh, guys in real time a stranger liked my Instagram post… eekkkk. I made one hoping to make friends.

Does anyone else feel like the warmth of a baking pan felt through mittens so thick and protective… is all they’ll feel until they see their boyfriend again in four weeks’ time? My hand is up with the thumb in a thumbs-up duo with leftie!

I never talk to the other folks at work, but sometimes I find them as interesting as some scientists like an Anthropologist or my boyfriend would see me as interesting. But folks the only interesting people are the interested people.

So what is a lifetime fart? Well, in translation in my old rocker my most prominent regret is not keeping friends as more of a relationship priority.

Earlier today, on my walk home from work, a song played these lyrics on loop…

“I am so f*cking selfish

no one could even love me

but dammit I found love

How did this happen”

As an INFP, I am introspective. I truly believe this about myself. Yet.. this belief is twisting my perspective and it is really just holding me back.

I just have to respect that looking out for others and trying to see through one’s eyes and hear through their ears is impossible even for the neurotypical social butterfly to completely and perfectly walk in one’s snow boots of a cold town in the cold Winter of feeling blizzards.

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