Alone me in a diary

Trigger warning: Moody Aesthetic clashed with hints of sibling rivalry

Do you have a family member with whom you clash? You are not alone! 🙂

Want to hear a silly true story? OK! A young woman once took one of her kin’s cups that her kin got for his birthday to drink orange juice. The end. Unfortunately for the young woman, she did not know that it was not open to anyone, that it was someone else’s possession, that she would be chastised for it like a rough conflict style designed to chip an innocent dehydrated person’s heart. What went down was not normal. There were not one, not two, but many more cups to choose from for the angry sibling, why fight? This woman simply wanted to drink OJ because the dishes had not been run that night. This woman had never before seen this brother drink from this glass. This woman is me. One should never be met with anger and violence and even invasion and damage to property for learning something new, or for making a mistake. But it happened and I glared and stalked off to my room. I regret not facing the music and apologizing in a way that shows my side of the story… or for not mastering the art of not engaging… or for failing to communicate. But above all, I am not one ounce sorry, not a single bit!

To continue the story I will summarize one stressful time period in January: I easily get confused as to what people are trying to get from me; what do you want? Do you want to make a strawberry shortcake and eat it together like weirdos or do you want to hurt my feelings with loud terrifying screams or do you want to walk away before you do so? I hope the bookends are more automatic because the middle one is not ideal … Do I just have sensitivity issues and it is normal for us to be upset? A third party tells me I am making a big deal about it.

Wrong! Anyway. Today … I thought about maybe looking for an opportunity. Thinking about going to live in a secluded forest has to be better than this because I already know the way I live is surprisingly lonely despite having 8 siblings. I feel as though they hold me back and propel me forward in unison. My family is brimming with kindness yet the raw desire to be an adult separate and independent from my heavy family inflamed my brain with occasional depressing thoughts.

I have daily contact with someone who is unlike any other person I have ever met. More importantly, ever since they became an independent little human with human values, I hardly have a day when I do not feel othered by their differentness contrasting with mine. This person is related to me by blood but I do not relate to them. I love this person as I would love any fellow Aloe, but the depths of my insecurities are like a storm striking lightning twice on me, so rarely do I share a smile with this person without any grief. I look forward to watching the beautiful person they grow to be nonetheless. For now, I hang in there!

Photo by Denys Gromov on

When I feel unloved, I think about going somewhere distant and then every day can be summer. In the depths of my anger, I wish that not a soul will remember me so that those from my old life would not come back to make me feel unsafe, unloved, and unproductive. But now I am not angry and I know my place is here.

Photo by Sebastian Voortman on

I love the photography above because its like springing back from a bad vibe.

How will one move forward?

Hope this helps someone! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

It is summer now and it is much less stressful than it was in Winter. I am doing good! How are you guys doing? Today I got a spicey pepper called a habanero. How cool! P.s. both of us are in therapy, highly recommend it, so useful!

Photo by Ivan Torres on

Love the photo mine looks similar but there is just one 👌😁

With warmth,

Butter 🧇

%d bloggers like this: